Mental Health and Panic Attacks
I woke up Friday morning struggling to get out of bed. I know that's common for a lot of people - the dreaded alarm clock goes off and you're still cozy in your bed, not wanting to get up. In fact, if we're being honest, I've had a hard time the past couple weeks.
For me, it feels different. It's a heaviness on my chest and a rapid heart beat that doesn't slow down. My mind is swirling around with everything I have to do that day before I even wake up, it seems. It's nausea, deep breaths and a dizziness out of nowhere. Even when life feels like it should be grand. It's like waking up with the flu every day and not knowing when it's going to end or when your body is going to feel better. You just sort of ache and don't feel like going anywhere or doing anything.
To someone who doesn't have anxiety or hasn't felt that, it sounds a little crazy, I'm sure. Like, you should just stop freaking yourself out or worrying for nothing. Nothing is going to happen and you're going to survive whatever thing it is you're thinking about. Just do something to get your mind off of it. I believed that for awhile, too. But, that's simply not always the case.
Not many people around me completely understand it. Or it feels like it's an excuse when I'm talking to them about it. It's not. Believe me. And I don't think it's fair to assess a situation or tell a person how they should handle it, if you haven't actually been there yourself.
I pray. I work out. I write to process everything I'm feeling and that's going on around me. And I like to escape with entertainment. But, I still come back to those feelings.
Mental Health Awareness Week was last week. I saw many people post on social media about their struggles or reminders of how to support family and friends who deal with anxiety, panic attacks and the like. Some are in the industry and some are acquaintances I've known.
This year, I've been a lot more open about my mental health, anxiety and panic attacks. Mostly, because it's been hard to avoid. Some days it affects me in stronger ways physically and emotionally - wanting to cry or scream for no reason. Wanting to pull back from conversation entirely. Not wanting to do the things I love enjoy, like a simple shopping trip or going out of town. Simple to do's like phone calls or handling everyday situations feel physically painful.
To some, it might appear that I'm perfectly fine - posting about trips and concerts and all of the places they go. But, what I don't share often is how even the smallest things can seem so daunting and taxing. I suck it up because I have to. I'm not just going to call in to work and I can't just not show up for that thing I told so-and-so I would do. I continue to show up and do the things...And that is part of what has gotten me to this point. You just keep going. It's not always easy, but sometimes the load lessens and you smile again. Besides, it's not like I'm miserable all the time, it just makes tasks harder to accomplish or takes me a little longer than I'd like. Sometimes those moments are fleeting, but God is with me every step of the way.