Anxiety
Swirling thoughts.
Racing heart.
Dizziness.
Pain in my chest.
What's happening?
That would be anxiety.
*Deep breath*
Okay, here we go.
I can remember struggling with anxiety as early as fifth grade, at least, and probably even before then.
I would stress myself out to the point of throwing up, whether it was over drama with friends, a presentation, a test, or other things that would come up during the day. There were many mornings I couldn't eat breakfast or would actually throw up, and knew that it wasn't a flu bug.
It wasn't until high school that I really experienced my first panic attack and started understanding that the pain in my chest was actually anxiety, thanks to one of my best friends, who also understood.
The summer going into my senior year of high school, I had a lot going on. My grandma was dying from cancer and I was trying to graduate. I was senior class president and I was struggling with math. I was trying to hang out with my friends as much as possible before we all went our separate ways. I also noticed a really intense pain in my chest that I'd never had before. I was having to take deeper breaths. The more that piled on, the deeper the breaths.
I never saw the doctor about it, but it evened out and I carried on. I learned to live with the tightness in my chest and feeling like the room was spinning on a pretty normal basis.
My anxiety comes and goes. I can't predict when it'll come. Some days, I wonder why I'm cool as a cucumber and other days when things aren't quite as stressful, I'm freaking out over nothing.
I'm talking about the shortness of breath, feeling dizzy, having the symptoms of a heart attack, passing out, not being able to turn my brain off, throwing up, kind of stress that comes out of nowhere.
When I'm on vacation, when things are fine, when I have no reason to worry...
Out of nowhere it hits me.
It causes me restless nights, staring at the ceiling, with my to-do list from work running through my head like one of those ticking banners at the bottom of a CNN report. Paranoid that I've missed something, that I'm going to make a mistake.
It feels a lot like constant heartburn.
Sometimes, it's crying for no real reason at all. The floodgates just open, and that's that.
It's snapping out of irritation or lack of control of a situation.
It's migraines almost day in and day out.
It physically feels like there are days when I cannot be social, even when I want to and turn down invitations with friends.
Sometimes it feels like not wanting to get out of bed at all.
It has turned into full blown panic attacks in the middle of the night that I can't calm myself down from. And it's scary. It feels like you're dying and nothing is wrong with you.
This anxiety has a name.
It's called fear.
It makes me afraid to pick up the phone or make a simple call.
To have a conversation with someone I see passing by.
To take risks.
To go out when I'm invited somewhere.
To turn in a story I've been working on.
It makes me depressed, and feels physically impossible some mornings.
It feels like an elephant sitting on my chest at the worst possible time
I work in PR, which means a lot of socializing and talking to people; organizing; taking photos; and being in and around large groups for longer periods of time. A lot of time for just being on it. It's a job I thoroughly enjoy Some days, it's just really hard. But, I push through it and make it work. Some days, you just have to. I understand the symptoms more now, where I didn't always see them when I was younger.
Some days, it's easier to understand why I feel anxious or nervous, and other times, everything is going great and there's no real reason to feel like I'm going to pass out.
Fear is a beast and a life ruiner.
It makes me afraid to take chances or take opportunities. Because what if I fail? What if it doesn't fit my aesthetic? What if it's too different? What if I fail? Or what if I succeed beyond what I've ever imagined?
I've let fear take up too much of my time, worrying about things that never happen.
People who don't matter.
Criticisms that were not constructive and won't help me in the future.
It's taking my health and well-being.
ENOUGH.
Lay it at the cross. Jesus take the wheel. Because I can't do this on my own!
You get one life. Do I really want to waste it on things that don't matter?
For me, I pray a lot. I talk to God and read my Bible. It helps. That's not to say that it just goes away in an instant, but it helps calm me down when my mind just won't shut off. I know I'm not in this alone. I have some very understanding friends who are there for me. Being able to talk about it now that it isn't such a taboo is a huge relief. It's putting a name to the darkness and calling it for what it is. Once I'm able to say what it is, I can take a deep breath and start pushing through again.
We were made for so much more than letting our anxieties and fears control us.
The anxiety is a work in progress. But, in the moments that it does, I say a prayer, I watch one of my favorite shows, I crank up some tunes, I text my best friends, take a walk or take a few deep breaths. It doesn't always go away, but it helps ease my mind a bit.
Oh, what a life...Take it all one day at a time.
Also, I'm watching that show on Netflix right now, so it seemed fitting. Carry on...